BREAKING NEWS…from Channel 69 in the Bayou City. Reporter Monica Lewinsky is on the scene of a Robbery at the Space Bank, where two heavily armed men in purple masks shot two-armed guards and escaped with a large sum of money. The Police are looking for Joseph Bigham aka RAMBO, the leader of the Bloc Boiz Gang in connection with this crime! The Bank Guards that where shot in the robbery are listed in stable condition at this time.

IN OTHER LOCAL NEWS… Carlton Cooper, Better known as Widowmarker, the leader of the notorious East Side Gang, the CHAMPS, has escaped from Federal Authorities while in custody at Harry Bush Int’l Airport. He was being transferred to San Quintin Prison. The Federal Authorities have no leads on his whereabouts at this time.

Make sure you tune in after this news program for a Special Town Hall Meeting with Police Chief, Zach Harrilchak, where they will be discussing how to handle the growing Gang Turf War Between the Bloc Boiz and their rival Gang, The East Side Champs.

Local Weather Update: Phil, The Ground Hog, didn’t see his shadow so we are in for an Early Spring. This is GREAT NEWS! This means that getting out in nice weather and doing outdoor activities like camping and playing Paintball are great to shake off those Winter Blues.

Now we are going to Break Away from Local News and take you to our Nations Capital where Reporter, Jack Daniels is coming to you from the White House Lawn where President Ted Nugent has just announced that the FBI would start Investigations into corruption allegations against the Speaker of the House. Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself!